The lost art of listening
I have been running my own business for the past ten years. My husband started one just this last year. Based on my experience, I feel I have some wisdom to share in navigating some of the pitfalls that can arise along the way. At first, when he would share obstacles or problems he was facing, my ears would perk up. I’d see it as an excellent opportunity to insert my advice, so I would immediately go into problem-solving mode. I often wouldn’t even allow him to finish his sentence or story before enthusiastically offering my solution to his problem. When he’d get irritated, I would be left feeling hurt that he didn’t appreciate my help.
Now, I see that what I was failing to do was to listen consciously and curiously. I wasn’t fully seeing him and his experience – through his eyes, not mine.
As listeners, we often feel a real responsibility to help the person we’re speaking with, especially when we have gone through the same situation in the past. We’re tempted to say things like:
Have you tried this yet?
What if you do (insert solution)?
Our intentions are always positive. We genuinely want to help. But intentions don’t always equate to impact, and we can’t know how to help someone without deeply listening to them.
I have recently begun studying the Pantarei Approach, a form of somatic body work that combines touch, breathwork, and compassionate inquiry. When I meet a new client, I spend a great deal of time at the beginning of the conversation actively listening to what my client has to say about their life and their personal story. I interject with questions throughout the conversation, not to try and solve anything for my client, but because I am curious. I want to know more about who this person is and lean into what they are experiencing without making judgments or trying to align it with my own life.
I want to see the true essence of my client and unravel what makes them unique, so I can connect them to the inner wisdom of their bodies and give life to their voices. This didn’t feel natural to me at first. In fact, it was a massive struggle for me initially.I still sometimes need to correct myself when I find myself moving to analysis or criticism.That makes sense in a system that’s in constant search of what needs to be fixed.
What if we change the system? What if instead of jumping immediately to try and fix, we stop to really listen? I mean really, really listen - to whomever has come to us with beautiful vulnerability and trust.
In popular culture, courage is generally connected with strength and power, but Brene Brown connects courage to ¨the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences, good or bad.” She goes on to speak about courage as putting our vulnerability on the line.
When, instead of compassionately listening to my clients, I rush to speak or offer advice, I shut down the safe space I’ve created for them – the space that allows them to walk through their processes and feel into their responses.
Through the Pantarei Approach, I have also learned to listen to the body’s response as a critical part of the process.The work connects clients to their senses and allows them to feel into their bodies while communicating verbally about their hopes, challenges, and fears.
I am not trying to solve anything for my clients. The questions I ask during this process lead my client to explore topics for themselves in new ways, often leading them in new directions, different from what they initially shared as their challenge. I let my clients lead, and I follow by listening – with my hands and all of my senses to understand how to support the person fully.
Here is how a short extract of a process might sound:
Me: Where is it in your body that you feel this?
Client: I feel it in my neck and shoulders
Me: (I take a moment to work deeper into the neck and shoulders.) What is it that you feel in the neck and shoulders?
Client: I feel they want to hold on.
Me: What is it that they want to hold?
Client: They want to hold my sadness.
Me: Can you feel what sadness is about?
Client: No.
Me: It’s ok not to know. Let’s just give some space to breathe and feel into it.
The session can continue like this. The details of why the client came to me are not important in this example, because we are simply working with what is present.My questions are designed to deepen their experience and allow them to give a voice to what it is they are experiencing.
Grasping that helping someone didn’t need to involve interjecting my opinion or ideas during the session made my client relationships much more meaningful and allowed me to connect with my clients more deeply and viscerally.
I find it easier to navigate this with strangers, as I have less of myself invested in the relationship, but I am also taking it now into my personal life , and I am still very much working on connecting this to my closest relationships. My intention is to listen deeply without trying to solve anything for the people. I want to offer a space of exploration and curiosity that they can use to navigate through their own life and, therefore, access a deep sense of ownership and power. Anytime my mind shifts to advice mode, I take a deep breath and ask myself if what I’m saying is serving the other person or me.
Listen. Listen well and openly and with an intent just to listen. See what happens. I am curious to know!
